Resurrection

3 Apr

I’ve waited a long time to write a post of this nature.  Sure, I’ve experienced joy, new beginnings, excitement, progress, success, contentment in my life. I don’t doubt that the roller coaster will continue to carry me along.  However, the moment my son was born into this world, it all flashed before me: my whole life thus far.  Split seconds and I saw it all, wrapped all of the joy & sadness up into a little bundle and hugged it into my being with a big smile on my face.  I scooped up all the daily struggles, the angst and exhaustion that I’ve carried with me for a long time, embraced it and accepted it.  This one little soul entering the world, made it all worth it.  None of it carries the weight that it did before.  None of it is as important as it was before he showed me what pure joy and living looks like.

Maybe it’s cliche to talk about reveling in the joy that a child brings into the world.  But, to the person that’s tired of hearing it… I wish you knew this kind of love.

I am humbled on a daily basis. I am stronger than I ever knew I could be. I am so proud that this little soul chose me.

 

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Happy Anniversary Blog…

16 Sep

It’s been 1 year since I last posted on the blog that I was going to write for every single day.  Ok, at least once a week.  Or once a month.  Turns out, once a year is what it looks like I’ll be achieving.  Way to go me!!

Up and down we go.  Perhaps me more than others, but boy, oh boy, this year has been a doozy.  The last time I shared my head guts with you all, I was in the pits.  Taking a break from life in a major way, really investigating my self (yes, two words, my SELF)  and trying to decide what this life is really about…  yep, that’s a lot.  Short version:  I signed up for a 200 hour yoga teacher training program, eventually found my voice and my passion again, found a kick-ass design job, and am now the proud co-owner of a small yoga studio.  OH, and I went to Spain and married the man of my dreams.  (That’s really the best part.)
Maybe next year I’ll post pictures of all those fun things I participated in this year.  Just kidding!

It has truly been a blessing to have my energy and spirit back and I can not wait to see what happens next.  I’m so looking forward to sharing the journey with my loved ones and working harder than ever, because I’ve got the energy for it now!

Dr. Marvin? Dr. Leo Marvin?

14 Sep

I’ve had at least, AT LEAST, 300 ideas in the past 45 seconds.  I’ve read the same paragraph over and over for the past 3 days. I can’t quite shake the feeling that I’m forgetting something MAJOR.  At any given moment it feels as though my feet may lift off the ground and the universe will send me up and away, spiraling and twirling, around and around. To quote my Reiki teacher, I’m talking about some major “Cosmic Vertigo.”

I’ve been trying to come up with a name for this strange feeling of un-grounded-ness.  “Cosmic Vertigo” is much more eloquent than the phrase I’ve been tossing around……

Cody: “Are you OK? You seem a little wound up.”

Jen: “I think so, I don’t know, I just feel so out of it. I can’t focus, I keep losing things, I can’t sit still…..                                    ….. I’m a fart in a skillet.”

Yep.  I don’t even know what that means. But it sure feels right.

Occasionally, in the midst of wanting to be free from my constant internal dialogue, the pendulum swings the opposite direction and lodges itself waaaay over there.   So for once I’m out of my head, but I’m completely unfocused.  I am trying really hard to be patient with this process, to take care of myself in the most basic ways….take shower, brush teeth, do dishes, feed dog…..because even those things right now are challenging!  My brain is on fast forward, my body is stuck in last week and my spirit is hovering above it all, laughing.  Here is a cartoon to illustrate the spastic and speedy nature of my attempts at trying to ground myself.

No wonder that whatever I try is having the opposite effect.

My usual reaction to this kind of feeling would be to analyze it until I kill it.  I’m taking the high road this time and I’m just riding it out. I’m not going to think about it anymore, and just wait for the universe to stop messing with me.

Baby steps out the door. Baby steps down the hall. Baby steps into the elevator….  

August Wednesday

31 Aug

I was intended to be born in the month of August and didn’t quite make it.  Five weeks early I came floundering into this world amidst a torrential downpour.  I like to be early…and I like things to be complicated, or maybe not.  Although my birthday is in early July, that particular month has always been the one that I can’t wait to see end.  From start to finish, it never quite feels right.  When August rolls around I am revived, refreshed, the slump is over and I’m ready for the world.  Two Augusts ago, I was a few months into the after-effects some life-altering decisions.  I wrote down in my journal “August, 2009 – Where will you be this time next year?”  I have a tendency to write things and then ignore them completely.

Example:  I manage to create at least 5 To-Do lists per day.  I lose the first list, but remember a few things, do those, make a new list  – still including the completed items, just so I can cross them off.  If only my intention was stronger towards finishing the list, rather than just making it. But, I really like my handwriting. 

So, this particularly inquisitive journal entry was never revisited…until August of the following year, coincidentally.  I just happened to be flipping back through my ramblings, trying to evaluate my state of mind’s progress over the past twelve moon cycles, and I came across the entry.   Last year at this time, interestingly enough, was also a great month for progress and perseverance for me.

My New Year happens in August, apparently.  This really just occurred to me, although I write my resolutions on my birthday almost every year.  I guess it’s appropriate that it takes about a month for things to start kicking in.  So, this August finds me off on a new quest.  I’m redirecting my career, reconnecting with my passion, and remembering that I am in complete control of my actions.

30 years later, I’m ready to let go of the floundering and get down to business.  Yippee!

Spasm! Spasm!

26 Aug

The love of my life can make me laugh so hard that my lungs contract rapidly, my heart stops beating, my face turns purple and my eyeballs spasm so much that some day they may quite possibly pop out of my head.  Sweet, right?  While it doesn’t seem like the most attractive display of enjoyment, those moments are my favorite. Our brand of humor does not resonate with everyone.  But to me, he is hilarious and I’m certain that I’m the funniest person he’s ever known. If I’m not, at least I have a goal.  I am especially proud when my comedy renders him speechless; no laughter, no comment, just pure frozen bewilderment.  I live for this, which is something that until recently I had forgotten.

He’s a head-dweller like me, and for the past year or so we’ve been in survival mode.  We have been wrapped up in getting through each day, paying the bills, dreaming of the next big adventure, but completely ignoring the adventure that’s been happening all along.  Our courtship was the beginning of an adventure that neither of us saw coming, neither of us planned, but damn if it hasn’t been happening the right way all along. As dreamers, we are on a quest for THE thing that defines us, but never truly acknowledge all the thousands of things we do and are each day.  The ideas and dreams of the past couple of years are starting to come into view, but the effort we’ve put in is the biggest reward.

A smile pulls me out of my thoughts, a laugh brings me to the present, and that gut spasm-ing, eye-popping hilarity reminds me of what life is really all about.

Pencil Skirt

24 Aug

I have this khaki pencil skirt in my closet, circa 2001. Ten years.  For TEN years I’ve had this skirt hanging on a cheap plastic hanger, staring at me every time I open the closet door.  In ten years I have moved just as many times.  10 new closets, 10 new spaces for this skirt to hang. I have worn this skirt THREE times.  I loathe this skirt.  Why do I continue to find a new home for it each time I find a new home for myself?

Occasionally I will pull it out, try it on, and within moments remove it…all the while thinking, “this skirt is not comfortable, this skirt does not express my mood, this skirt does not reflect my personality, it’s too rigid, it’s too straight, it’s too corporate, this is not me!” and on and on I go, YET…the skirt is gently placed back on the hanger and once again in its appropriate place in the closet….JUST IN CASE.

Yes, this is the turmoil of my mind.

As epiphanies often happen out of nowhere, it occurred to me last night that it will simply be OK if I no longer own the pencil skirt.  What a concept!  Along with this amazing realization of “just letting go” I ever-so-quickly made the metaphorical connection between this ridiculous article of clothing and a long pattern of life choices I’ve made.  I’ve developed a tendency to “try on” the personalities and lifestyles of others to see if I can make a connection to the ideal version of myself.

As part of this self-discovery journey I’ve been on the past few years, I finally started letting go of my expectations of what I thought were other people’s expectations for me.  As long as I’m comfortable in my self, no one expects me to be anything different.  I already know how to be the ideal version of me.  A pencil skirt is not included.

All of these lines across my face

23 Aug

Truth be told, I don’t have many lines across my face at all.  However, in the deepest part of my soul I imagine that at the end of my days my face is creased and worn, and generally as comfortable as an old leather boot.  My life so full and complete, so many stories.

I have an active imagination.  Active, to the point of paralysis. I play out every scenario, stopping myself before I’ve even started.  

Turns out, I’ve been living most of my life trapped in my head.  This is not a new realization for me.  I’m a good few years into really paying attention to my spiritual journey, and the realizations have been slapping me in third eye all along the way.

I have been avoiding starting a blog, not for lack of anything to write about, but because I just can’t quite get the look right.  Allowing myself to have a work in progress will be a challenge, but that’s what I need.  

How can I expect anyone to understand who I am, unless I tell them?  I am more adept at creating a facial expression to help those perplexed by me.  It avoids me having to look further inside and come up with the vocabulary that I think I have, but don’t.

I can’t wait to be wrinkly.